Merry Christmas! Shitter was Full!

**Please visit website link http://www.jailfreewallacefamily.blogspot.com/ to understand title**

****you can't view videos on email****

Ahh the pleasures of living on acreage: Our closest neighbor is 400-500 ft away, I can stand on my porch in my underwear, I have my own water source and I also have huge tanks to collect the waste products produced by me and my family. Who doesn't grow up dreaming about their own 1000 gallon tank to fill with poop? You could say that the septic tank is like a sports referee, the less it's noticed the better, but when it's a problem...it really stinks (get it?).

Last week, our septic alarm went off. I pressed the alarm reset button and the noise went away. Problem solved, right? Wrong...bummer (get it?). A few days later, I was tooling around watering the lawn and killing gophers when a stench overtook me. Now, I'm used to some bad smells being a man, a father and a nurse, but this smell was different and I knew something was wrong. Upon searching for the source I noted that sewage was overflowing our septic tanks. Crap! (get it?)



I was really confused at first with the smell. Since I know for a fact that my own personal feces has a fragrance similar to that of roses and fresh baked bread. But I guess when it's mixed with Monica's, Caleb's and Abby's waste, even my own sweet odor is taken over by a very foul smell.

We have a three tank system, with the third and last tank that pumps the effluent (left over liquid) into a sand mound that filters our waste until the water eventually makes it's way down to our well for drinking...yummy.

After a few phone calls, a lot of research, and a little haggling, I had all of our septic tanks pumped out and a brand new septic pump installed. Of course my wallet is much lighter now, and I'm trying to convince the kids that Disneyland isn't as important as a working sewage system...but they're not buying it. I'd like to see Goofy turn my pooh into drinking water.

Killer

About a week ago, we were coming home from the lake past dark and as we pulled into our driveway (about 1/4 mile gravel road) we saw a small critter run away from our head lights. I followed it for about 10 yards with the car asking out load "what the heck is that". It was the size of a raccoon, but it sat low to the ground like a marmot. But it was dark grey and had long fur, unlike the brown short fur of a marmot. I was quick to realize my mistake in asking out loud what it was, because poor Abby, 5, wasn't about to go to sleep easily as she kept asking us what kind of monster we saw when we were in the car. I did some research on the Internet that night pulling up pictures of all the possible animals I could think of including skunks, badgers, marmots, and raccoons. I still had no idea what is was, but to put the minds of my family to rest, I lied to them all (including Monica) and told them it was defiantly a marmot. We've had a history with marmots and everybody is comfortable with the cute little creatures.
Then over the next few days, every time we came home after dark, the stupid thing would always be right near the same spot. We'd turn into our driveway and there it would be, quickly running out of our head lights. We must of saw it 5-6 times in a 10-day span. Truthfully, I was getting a little uncomfortable not knowing what is was and I was getting concerned that it was getting too close to our yard, especially since I hadn't ruled out that it could be an aggressive beast like a badger. Last night, as I left late at night to work-out (you think I got this body by watching America's Got Talent every night) it was again in the driveway. I took the Accord for a 4-wheeling session trying to keep my head lights on it for a better view, but it scampered away into the brush.
As I came home from my work-out, I had this quick idea to pull into my driveway really fast so I could get a better idea of what is was. So I took the 90 degree turn doing about 35 mph and there it sat. Suddenly, like a cold-blooded dude that I try to portray, I thought too myself, "you're going down sucka!!". The tires jumped like I had just ran over a log going too fast and my heart sank. I backed up to assess my actions and I felt like the biggest turd on earth. Even though, I still didn't know what it was, it surely didn't deserve to be murdered by a Honda Accord. As it lay there squirming around, I felt I had no other choice but to put it out of it's misery, so I ran over it again. I left the crime scene feeling both sad and amped-up. There was one thing for sure though, there was no way I was going to get out of the car and try and figure out what is was alone in the dark....let's not forget that I may be a killer, but I'm still afraid of the dark.

The next morning I walked down to the dead animal to once and for all, figure out what it was....but even being 2 feet away in broad day-light, I still had no idea. It had black and grey long fur. It had a wide stocky body with a smaller pointy head. I called a fried who's a veterinarian who agreed to come by before work. I must admit that I felt a little better when my vet friend pulled up and the first thing he asked was, "what the heck is that?". He took a close look and then brushed his shoes along the critter's back. But as he pulled back his tennis shoe it was full of quills......it was a young porcupine! Mystery solved.

Caleb and Abby helped me give the little guy a proper burial with my tractor. I still feel odd about the whole ordeal, I don't kill many things (mostly just my wife's dreams of a normal life), but I do feel better knowing what type of animal it was. Maybe next time, they'll identify themselves better. Now if only the word could get out to all the moles that Killer Clint is on the prowl.

Rock On

I'd like to share with you a little of my family history. I'm a Wallace. My father is Joel Wallace, he loves rocks..and I love rocks. End of history lesson.

I remember my Dad coming home from vacations with rocks stuffed in the car trunk. I always thought he was a little strange until my eyes were opened to the joy rocks can bring to one's life.

I'm not sure what it is about rocks that I find so attractive. Maybe it has something to do with my own rock-chiseled body, or maybe it's all the smooth curves, but I do love rocks. I spent most my childhood watching rocks be used for decoration and wall building and now going on my third house, I've built my third rock wall. But just like my rock hard body (i.e gut or waist line), the walls keep getting bigger.

I was doing some work with my tractor at a friend's house, and she asked if I could help flatten out some property and get rid of some big rocks. Get rid of big rocks??? Blasphemy!! I brought home as many rocks as my trailer could handle and the first rock wall was started. I've since started and completed more rock walls on our property, but have run dry of rocks. Hence my search for big rocks will continue.

Happy Fathers' Day Dad. Rock on!

He Speaks!

Caleb, 6, was picked for a speaking part as his Kindergarten program this week. It was a short line that we practiced for a couple weeks. "My friends are together through sunshine and shade" was said hundreds of times in our home. For some reason, the phrase doesn't really roll off the tongue. And both Caleb and myself would frequently say, "My friends are together through shunshine and sade". We must of sounded like George Sr. and George W. Bush practicing presidential speeches. After much coaching to say his line slowly and clearly, this was the result....

Nailed it!

****Reminder that you can't view videos from email, you must visit the blog website*****

Scarry Nights

The princess of the house turned 5 this week. She had a great week filled with cards, gifts, privileges and a party with a giant rat named Chuck E. Cheese. Abby has been an easy child to raise thus far...except at night. For several years now, Abby has what most would call 'night terrors'. And it isn't that rare to find Abby walking around the house at 2 AM sleep walking. But mostly she just screams in her sleep. She screams in the middle of the night 2-3 times a week and then almost always screams and moans as she wakes up in the morning. It's all very odd. My good friend Google taught me that roughly 15% of kids ages 2-7 have night terrors and that it mostly is caused by lack of sleep. Which doesn't make too much sense because Abby usually takes a nap plus sleeps for nearly 11-12 hours each night, but I guess it could be the cause. Monica and I have adapted to the screaming fairly well. She usually stops after a minute or so, but if it's longer, one of us gets up to check on her. Caleb doesn't have our patience and sometimes will yell at her to "be quiet" from his own bed. There was a period of time that Abby liked to sleep in Caleb's room on an air mattress. But we found out that when Abby screamed, Caleb would toss toys, stuffed animals and books at her from his bunk bed like it was some sort of target practice. The good news is that the screeching has become less frequent and most the experts state that kids will grow out of it.

You've been Warned

I've pleaded. I've begged. I've asked nicely that you leave my lawn alone, but you didn't listen. You left me with no decision but to start killing your family. I'm blowing up your homes, I'm poisoning your young, and then I'm trapping those of you who survive for a nice Sunday meal.

I'm really a nice guy, but when you put bumps in my nice flat lawn, you've crossed the line. Adios rat face!

New Bathroom

I know many have been waiting on the edge of their seats for me to complete the kids' bathroom. Well, your three month wait is now over.
I'm really pleased with how it turned out. I went and got all creative with the tile and it looks great. I guess my 1st grade teacher, Mrs Gardner, was right. I am creative!
Of course, the big test is when we turn on the water and there isn't a small water fall into the rooms below.
Here are some before and after photos.

Bad Cop, No Doughnut

When I was younger, I had a small problem with authority. Of my many questionable ideas, I didn't think the speed limit pertained to me. While in college in Idaho, where speeding tickets were only $5o, I was pulled over an amazing amount of times. By the time I was 23, I believe I had collected about 17 moving violations!! And that doesn't even account for the times I was caught speeding and given a warning.

The combination of being an idiot, having a job with money to spend, being on my parents' insurance, and having a fast car almost cost me my right to drive.

I remember being away at college, probably having accumulated 3-5 speeding tickets in the previous few months when my Dad called. He told me that their insurance company had just notified them that their rates would be going up since I had gotten a ticket. Yes, 'a' ticket....singular. I recall thinking, "wait 'till the insurance company finds about the other four tickets." Sorry about that Mom and Dad.

The good news is, since my marriage (and the chance to pay for my own insurance), I haven't gotten any tickets! That's almost 13 years of being a slow-poke. Now days, I get passed all the time, especially by those college-age punks!

Unfortunately, my lovely wife has taken a different approach since our marriage. She likes to amass a ticket every 1-2 years, just enough for me to raise my blood pressure. Most have been of the speeding variety, but my favorite was being caught by a traffic camera rolling through a red-light, on a cell phone, with the kids in the back seat, eating a pizza, smoking a cigarette (maybe a slight exaggeration). Say 'cheese'. The funny thing is that every time she gets pulled over, she does what every woman should do...cry like you've never cried before. But for Mon, it's been to no avail, she undoubtedly still gets the ticket....until this week. She was pulled over and after some theatrics that only a professional actress would be proud of, she DIDN'T get a ticket. Good job Monica.

Big Girly Bunny

Every year at this time, I find myself lying to my children again about the whole Easter Bunny story. Who came up with this character?...and what was he smoking? At least the Santa Claus story was thought out and makes sense...in a fairy-tale-way. But a bunny that breaks into every one's home and hides their eggs? At ages where questions need to be answered, my kids have lots of questions about the huge bunny and I have no answers.
Would I be a bad Dad by telling them it's all a hoax? Would telling the truth about the bunny carry-over to ruining Christmas? Would this increase the chances of my kids ending up in jail?
Another interesting foot note about the bunny in our family is that Caleb, 6, refers to the Easter Bunny in the feminine. "How does she get into the house?" Or "How does she get to every house in the world in one night?" When we asked him why he thought the Easter Bunny was a girl today, he held up a decorative bunny, wearing pastel-colored clothes, with pink and yellow flowers, and said in a matter-of-fact tone, "would a boy wear these clothes?" Well said my son, well said.

Back From Suspension

And we're back. My suspension is over. I'd like to apologize to all my fans who missed me....and tell them to get a life.

Caleb's basketball season came to an end. We all had a great time watching him this year. I'm a little biased, but the kid is a natural. He dominated those 5-6 year olds.

Here's a quick look at the last few weeks. (As always, you must actually visit the blog site Keeping Toddlers out of Jail, to view the videos) We have become a skiing family. I've started to take Abby and she became quite good in a short time. I'm pretty sure of her motivation when she frequently asked questions like "where does Caleb ski? I want to go there" or "does Caleb go as fast as me?". With the huge amounts of snow, we spent "spring" break skiing as a family. It was the first time we've all been together on the slopes and it was loads of fun. We had one day of fresh snow and another day of sunshine, a perfect way to end the season.

Our one mishap happened the first time up a different chair-lift for Abby. Getting off the chair was a little more steep than she was use to and when Abby saw the drop off she clung to the chair. So as I got off, Abby stayed on the chair screeching as she took a ride above me. The lift operator stopped the chair lift and I was able to get able to jump into my out-stretched arms.

One funny thing that I've seen both Caleb and Abby do is sing while they ski. During particularly long runs, I've overheard both kids, when alone, singing. It's both very cute and quite odd at the same time.

Caleb and I scored a few tickets to watch the Harlem Globetrotters. They put on a great show for the kids. The Washington Generals put up a great fight, but came up a little short again. Maybe next game Generals.

Monica did a show in Portland, which meant it was single-parent time for yours truly. It was week full of Ramon and Chef Boardee products. Good times.

My frugalness (most call it being cheap) has continued to become a part our lives. We have stocked up on food and supplies for dirt cheap prices. I've found several websites that list deals at pharmacies and grocery stores and then taken advantage of what's available in our area. It has taken some time, and I still have a lot to learn, but I'm totally hooked on free toothpaste, free burgers and all the other sweet deals. The picture of the cans of soup was a sweet deal I found at Albertsons. After the coupons and instant rebates, I made $10!

We've made a long term goal of sailing for a year starting in the summer of 2017. Rough estimates have been discussed on how much money we'll need, hence the need to save more. I've always wanted to travel with my kids to other parts of the world for a variety of reasons and sailing seems like a natural way to accomplish that goal for an extended period of time. And yes, Monica has agreed to come.

The purchase of a sailboat has morphed into the perfect excuse to not spend money. Every time we tell the kids 'no', they respond by asking if we're still saving money to buy a big sail boat. The excuse may have reached it's limit yesterday when Caleb came and told me he's figured out a way to get lots of money to buy our sailboat, "you just have to put all your jewelry into an envelope and send it in!"

With the snow melting, home projects have started around our place. Among them are a total remodel of the kids' bathroom, new counter tops and back splash in the kitchen, painting the walls in several rooms, creating a space for Monica to teach Piano in the den, finishing touches on the shop, and a continued quest for a soccer/base ball field at Wallace park.

I've even had to expand my remodel skills into the world of plumbing. Hopefully we won't have a waterfall into the living room every time the kids take a shower.

In case an moles are reading this blog, (not people who lie to others, actual moles) this is your final warning. Stay away from our property or prepare to take a long dirt nap.